Spoilers: Everything

Summary: A spark, always burning, held by one Scooby for another

Distribution: here, buffyxander, anywhere else, just ask.

Disclaimer: Joss owns them all, I just borrow for fun, I make no profit.

Warning: Angst heavy, character deaths

Dedication: To my enabler, Fia; my sister in all things Buffy/Xander.

For him it had always been Buffy, always would be Buffy. From the moment he’d fallen off his skateboard she had been his life. He’d watched as she’d torn his heart to pieces dating everyone but him. He was just ‘one of the girls’, her ‘Xander shaped friend’. Yet the spark of hope inside persisted, never permanently snuffed out.

Sure he’d had his own misadventures in love. A praying mantis, a mummy, Cordelia; that had been an exercise in futility. All they’d ever had were stolen kisses and interest born of hate. Until the thing with Willow. He’d finally taken notice of his best friend and nearly ruined everything. Still, the spark burned on deep within him, the hope, and the dream that one day, maybe, just maybe.

He’d watched as she’d gone through the drama with Dead Boy, never afraid to voice his objections. He’d been the one to save her, but she continued to love the undead. She rejected his offer to take her to Prom and somehow he had ended up with Anya while she danced the night away with her vampire lover.

Anya. Somehow she’d wormed her way into his life and for a while he’d put away the hope. He’d not put it out, just locked it away for safe keeping as the former vengeance demon became a major part of his life. She’d gained a part of his heart with her blunt talk and lust for life (and money). Yet Buffy still lingered.

He watched as she fell for Riley and his supposedly normal qualities. Why couldn’t she see those in him? Then it turned out Riley wasn’t so normal after all and in the locked part of his heart the spark flared. She stayed with the commando and he still had Anya. When he told her to go after Riley even as his heart broke again because what he was really saying was ‘see me, love me’.

He was never sure why he’d asked Anya to marry him. Maybe it was because a part of him wanted to believe he was over Buffy, but the spark burned on. Maybe because it seemed like the next logical step in their relationship. Maybe because he thought he could fool himself that he was over her by making himself unavailable. Or it could have had something to do with impending death and yet another apocalypse.

As Buffy fell he could do nothing, he couldn’t save her, couldn’t catch her, not while he held Anya. Things were never the same after that. That day the spark very nearly went out, kept alive as the barest molecule of hope, this was Buffy after all. He’d kept distracted by helping with Dawn. But seeing her face on the abomination ordered by Spike killed him a little each day.

When Willow had come up with the resurrection plan, the spark flared a bit brighter in the hopes of having her back. But his heart knew that she deserved peace, so he voiced his objections. But he was outvoted and when the demon horde attacked he knew it had been the right decision, or at least that’s what he told himself.

Seeing her again kept the spark alive, but he could never truly think she would turn to him. He had torn her from Heaven. When that little bit of information came to light, he hated Willow, hated himself more for not pushing harder. He’d said he’d done it to see if he and Anya would have a happy ending. In truth he’d wanted to know that Buffy would be okay.

Then she turned to Spike. She chose another cold dead thing. He tried to cling to the relationship with Anya, but things had been unraveling for too long. So he took the cowards way out and ran. Even if the old boyfriend masquerading as his future self hadn’t shown up, he probably would have run.

When she’d nearly been…he couldn’t even think the word; he’d been her white knight again, showing up at the right time. It gave the spark fuel to burn on, yet she still didn’t see. Even when he used his love to stop Willow and save the world, she continued to be blind.

The last year, even though they didn’t know it at the time, was the worst. She hid Spike, defended him despite what he had done. She continued to see him as her friend. Then there was the Robin thing, which never really went anywhere. And his attempt to move on, which of course ended with her coming to the rescue again. Yet he stayed, he fought, he lost an eye; all for her, all for the remote possibility that he’d lived on for seven years. When Andrew told him of Anya’s bravery, he mourned. He had loved her in his way, but she had never been and never would be Buffy.

They went their separate ways, his heart unlocking the spark. He’d gone to Africa, given her space to mourn. He’d needed the time too. It had only fueled the fire, he missed seeing her everyday. He’d even dismissed the rumors of her dating again, even when they proved to be true. He decided to visit her; he needed to see, needed to know once and for all if he had a chance. One last time to either extinguish the spark or let it flare into a full fledged fire.

And as he stood besides her this one last time, he was glad he’d gone. Another apocalypse, this one not to be averted, though they would give it their all. He’d had twenty years by her side. Every second was one to be treasured. Swords clashed, spells were chanted and they fought. She fell and he rushed to her side, killing the demon. But even now, he knew this was it, the spark finally burned out. He held her; she was the last thing he saw as the end came. But Xander welcomed it, because she would be there, waiting for him. He fell beside her, the white knight defeated by the dragon but finally with his lady for all time.